


You Knew From Our First Kiss (that I would break your heart)

by Blink_Blue



Category: Actor RPF, Marvel Cinematic Universe RPF
Genre: Angst, F/M, Infidelity, Internalized Homophobia, Jealousy, Love Triangles, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-15
Updated: 2014-07-21
Packaged: 2018-02-04 17:14:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1786855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blink_Blue/pseuds/Blink_Blue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chris thinks he might be in love with Sebastian. Mistakes are made, but it's not until a past love comes back into Sebastian's life that Chris realizes what he truly wants.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from Replacement, a song by She Wants Revenge. 
> 
> My first fanfic post, please leave your comments!

**Los Angeles, April 2013**

 

“One more time!” James, the fight choreographer, claps his hands enthusiastically. “Then we’ll call it a wrap for the day!”

Chris sighs, pauses just enough to catch his breath and wipe his sweaty palms against his sweat pants. He sneaks a quick glance to the clock on the wall.

_8:14 P.M._

Not quite as late as he’d thought. But his stomach growls, and he's had nothing but sore muscles and dinner on his mind for a while now. Maybe once they're done here, he and Sebastian could grab a bite before heading home for the night. Filming officially starts the next day and they'll both have to be in bright and early. Sebastian for his final costume fitting--which no one has seen yet. And Chris would begin shooting his first scenes.

He turns his eyes to glance at the other man. Sebastian rolls his neck, swings his arms to get his joints loosened up to go again. His hair falls into his face, long and wispy. And Chris is struck by the sudden urge to brush those dark brown locks out of the way. Sebastian gets to it first though, and he runs a hand through his hair, pushing it back and out of his face. It must be annoying to have hair too long to style, yet too short to tie back. But damn if it doesn’t frame his face nicely. Very Winter Soldier indeed.

_I wonder, if he likes his hair pulled on during—_

“Chris?”

Chris blinks, shaken out of his thoughts. “W-what?”

Sebastian gives a short laugh, his eyes twinkling in amusement. “You ready?”

“Yeah, of course!” He nods. He gives his head a quick shake, forcing himself to focus. It’s the last practice run of the day, and he vaguely hears James start the count off.

“3… 2… 1… go!”

Sebastian twirls the plastic knife between his fingers. He runs towards the other man as they start to go through the choreography that they’ve spent three months practicing. After so long, it becomes more of a dance than a fight. It’s unbelievable how many times they have to go through it to make sure a minute and a half of screen time looks authentic and vicious. 

 _Block. Block. Swing arm. Knee up. Block. Block. Punch._

Sebastian’s head snaps back even though Chris’s fist never connects with his face.

_Spin kick._

Sebastian stumbles back a couple feet.

_Run jump knee up. Block. Block. Punch._

Chris grabs Sebastian’s arm and torso, and flips him until he hears the other man’s body smack the padded gym floor. Sebastian doesn’t stay down for long, twisting his body up and wraps his left hand around Chris’s throat, careful to keep his grip loose. His arm contracts, pulling their bodies close together, close enough that Chris can smell the other man’s deodorant.

 _Is that Old Spice?_

A full two seconds pass and Sebastian throws Chris back. He stumbles and catches himself in a roll. He gets back on his feet, slightly out of breath, and watches as Sebastian relaxes his posture, a smile back on his face that doesn’t belong on the Winter Soldier.        

“Great job, guys. That was really excellent,” James says. “Hey, enjoy the rest of your night. You've got some long days ahead of you.”

They both wave their goodbyes to James before turning to each other.

“I didn’t hit you too hard there did I?” Chris asks as he glances down at the younger man’s arms.

“Of course not,” Sebastian says with a smile, even though they both know they’ll be sporting fresh bruises tomorrow.

They walk together to the side of the gym and start gathering their belongings. 

Chris glances at the other man’s face, hopeful. “Hey, you want to grab a quick dinner before heading home? I’m kind of feeling a burger from that diner a few blocks down.”

“Yeah, I’d love to!" Sebastian says with a grin. "I’m starving! Burger sounds a lot better than take out.”

Chris can’t help the smile that spreads on his face. He lets out the breath he was holding as they start walking towards the door. He had long given in to the fact that he has a weird, semi-inappropriate crush on his co-star that pretty much started as soon as they reunited for Cap 2. And not like, ‘this guy is super attractive--he has really nice bone structure--I wonder how much time he spends in the gym’ crush. But more of a, ‘I really want to push him against a wall and ravage his face with my mouth while running my hands all along his body’ type of crush. Which is definitely inappropriate. And confusing. Especially because Chris is 99% sure he’s straight. He had never been attracted to a guy before. He’s only ever been with women, and women definitely still turn him on. Maybe it’s because Sebastian is just so damn pretty, with those pouty lips and fuck me bedroom eyes. Those big, blue, beautiful eyes. Yeah, that’s got to be it.

“Hey, what’s up guys?” A voice brings him out of his thoughts. He immediately knows its Anthony by the sound of it. Sure enough, he looks up to see Anthony and Frank walking towards them. From the looks of it they’re both retiring from their own training session. 

“How’s it going guys?” Sebastian gives them his brightest smile. Of course, even when he’s tired from twelve hours of training, covered in grime and sweat the guy still manages to wear the sweetest, most genuine smile on his face. “Ready for filming to start tomorrow?” 

“Nah, neither of us are up tomorrow. Cap’s filming with Sam, I think.” Anthony looks to Chris for acknowledgement and he nods. His first scenes are with Sam and Robert tomorrow. “Final costume fitting though.” 

“Me too! Hey, you guys want to grab something to eat with us? We’re heading to the diner down the street.”

“Yeah, sounds good!”

Chris curses silently to himself. There goes his definitely-not-a-date alone time with Sebastian. Oh well. Chris sneaks another glance as Sebastian brushes his hair back out of his eyes yet another time. Butterflies flutter in the pit of his empty stomach and he has a sinking realization that it’s going to be a long three months, full of wistful gazes, yearning in his heart, and probably a few inconvenient boners.

He's got more than just the filming to worry about.

 

***

**Los Angeles, May 2013**

 

“Seb! What are you doing right now?”

“Chris?" Sebastian's voice is both groggy and confused. "It’s like two in the morning, dude, I’m in bed.”

“Well, I’m at the beach!”

Sebastian laughs softly in his ear. “At this hour? What are you, crazy?”

“Come join me!" Chris screeches into his phone. "It is the most beautiful night!”

“You sound very, _very_ drunk right now.”

“Oh I am, definitely.” Chris slurs. “But the weather’s great, the water’s calm, we have two days off before we have to film again, and I’m having the best, most mediocre time without you--so you should definitely come join me!”

“It’s late, you should probably go home.”

“I can't. Everyone else ran off without me. Please, Seb!" He begs shamelessly into his phone. "Come join me, it’ll be fun! We’re leaving LA soon. We need to enjoy it while we can! And it’s such a beautiful night, come on… I miss you… ”

He hears the other man sigh on the other side. “Chris, where are you?”

“17th… no wait, 18th avenue, on the beach!”

“Okay, I’m coming to get you. Don’t go anywhere. And stay out of the water! I don’t want you drowning before I get to you. I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

“I’ll be waiting for you, baby," Chris says in what he thinks is his low, sexy voice. 

Sebastian chuckles. “Stay out of trouble, Chris. Twenty minutes.”

And punctual as always, exactly twenty minutes later, Chris spies a dark figure in the distance. He grins as the figure walks closer, sand crunching under his feet. And finally, Sebastian's face comes into view. The man approaches, an incredulous look on his face as he gazes down at his friend laying sprawled out on the cold sand, phone in his hand from which they had been texting specifics on his location.

“Chris, what are you doing out here? It’s the middle of the night.”

He manages to sit up with a little help from the other man. He rubs his face, trying to clear his head enough to form words. “Was at a bar... on the boardwalk… with many people… They all went back to Scarlett’s place…”

“And so you decided to hang out on the beach? By yourself?” Sebastian raises an elegant eyebrow.

“I didn’t feel like hanging out with those people," he murmurs softly as he watches the other man's face. Somehow, his eyes flicker down to Sebastian's lips--too drunk to realize he's being conspicuous. "I missed you… You weren’t out tonight. Where were you?”

In the moonlight, Chris sees Sebastian give a small smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “I just felt like being by myself tonight. Not that that did me any good.” He finishes, in a joking tone.

“I’m sorry,” Chris mumbles, suddenly very aware of the fact that he dragged Sebastian out in the middle of the night because he was too drunk to find his way back home.

“Come on, Chris. Let’s get you up.” Sebastian grabs him under his arms and attempts to lift the bigger man up--they're suddenly _very_ close--but Chris simply wraps his arms around Sebastian’s torso, and pulls him down to lay in the sand with him.

Sebastian lets out an oomph of protest when his butt hits the sand. Thank god he’s not wearing nice clothes, he’ll be finding sand in his shoes tomorrow.

“I missed you, Seb… You weren’t here tonight…” An awkward silence passes between them as Chris throws caution to the wind and tightens his arms around the other man. “What were you and Frank talking about earlier?” He asks, curiosity peaking in his voice.

“What?”

He thinks back to the memory of Sebastian and Frank talking and laughing loudly together, and remembers the flash of jealousy he felt. “Today, earlier, when I was shooting with Anthony and Scarlett… What were you and Frank talking about?”

Sebastian’s brow furrows as he thinks back to the conversation he had with Frank. “Um… I don’t really remember, Chris. Nothing important. I think we were talking about his kids. Why?”

“He’s awfully chummy with you,” Chris slurs under his breath.

“What?”

“Like he likes you, or something… He’s real chummy with you.”

Sebastian lets out a laughs at the idea of him and Frank. “You are drunk. And Frank is a little old for me, not to mention happily married. Let’s get you back to your place.” He manages with a little difficulty to pull them both to their feet.

“We’re going back… to my house?”

“Yes, we are.”

“To my bed?”

“I am dropping you off in your bed, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“You’re… so fucking beautiful, Seb…”

Sebastian snorts. “Come on, let’s get you home.”

So Chris spends the twenty minute car ride with his head on Sebastian’s shoulder as the other man drives, mumbling nonsense about how great it is to be filming with the other man again. The two year break between the Cap movies left something to be desired. Sebastian has to double check to make sure the other man still has his seatbelt done, and he tries not to think about how blatantly obvious Chris is being. Drunk flirting is one thing he's always been wary about. Because it's fun at first, completely harmless. But if it goes too far, usually someone gets pissed off when the alcohol wears off. 

Sebastian parks his rental car in Chris's driveway and walks around the car to open the door for Chris. The other man stumbles out of the seat with a little help from him. Chris has finally stopped drunk rambling about how fantastic and wonderful he is. And he’s surprisingly quiet now. Sebastian is even a little shocked at how Chris manages to walk in a relatively straight line. Maybe he’s finally sobering up.

They walk from the driveway in silence and when they reach Chris’s front door he finally looks up at the younger man.

“Sorry,” he says softly. An embarrassed flush spreads on his cheeks.

Sebastian laughs gently and shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it, Chris. Not my first drunken confession. I know I’m gorgeous,” he jokes, flashing Chris the smile that makes him think he’s maybe… just maybe slightly in love with the other man.

Chris fishes his house key from his pants pocket.

“You want to come inside?”

Sebastian’s smile fades slightly. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea. It’s pretty late. I should… I should get back to my apartment. Get some sleep, you know?” He gestures towards his car. 

“But I’m… really drunk." Chris says lamely. "You should… probably make sure I get to bed okay. Make sure I drink lots of water, and don’t choke on my puke in my sleep or something.”

Sebastian doesn’t look convinced. “I don’t know, Chris. You seem pretty sober to me.”

"Please, Seb?” Chris tries to give him his cutest puppy face, which probably doesn't look as attractive as he thinks given the amount of alcohol in his system.

Sebastian finally smiles again. “Okay, fine.”

They enter Chris’s house, which is really more of a mansion. Clearly Chris is way more advanced in his career. And he's thrown enough house parties that Sebastian knows the layout well. He grabs a glass of water from the kitchen and makes his way to Chris’s bedroom where he finds the other man. He sets down the water on the night stand for the other man to drink.

Chris looks up when Sebastian enters his room. He can actually hear his heart pounding in his ears, the blood is rushing so quickly. Because he's alone, with his awful crush, and Sebastian looks gorgeous as ever in the dim light of his bedside lamp. And so they awkwardly sit side by side on Chris’s queen sized bed. There’s barely a foot of space between them. Chris toes off his shoes. He turns his head to look at Sebastian, who stares back at him with bright blue eyes, waiting for him to speak.

“You have really pretty eyes,” he says softly, before mentally kicking himself because lesson learned from tonight: he really needs to stop verbally obsessing over his co-star.

Sebastian drops his gaze though and instead looks down at his feet.

“Do you not like it when I… compliment you?”

Sebastian doesn't quite meet his eyes. “I don't know, I’m just… a little tired of people only seeing my looks. Sometimes, it feels like no one ever tries to look deeper. It’d be nice, if for once… someone would just like me for me, you know?” 

Chris blinks. “Well, you’re hot, sure! But that’s not all I see when I look at you!”

Sebastian looks up and raises a skeptical eyebrow. “Really?”

“Yeah! You are the sweetest, nicest guy I’ve ever met! You’re kind, and funny, and so, so incredibly talented. I was… I was really happy getting to work with you again. You’re just… amazing, Seb. Really, I mean that.”

Sebastian smiles and absentmindedly bites his bottom lip between his teeth, which immediately draws Chris’s attention for other reasons.

“Thanks, Chris.”

And then Chris leans forward, he closes the space between them, and presses his lips to the other man’s. It’s a soft kiss. Gentle, like he’s asking permission. Maybe he is. Sebastian is taken by surprise at first, but slowly, slowly he starts to kiss him back. A soft moan escapes his lips when Chris leans even closer. His hand reaches up to cup the younger man behind the neck, and his fingers run through the soft, brown locks of hair that he's been thinking about for ages. His other hand finds Sebastian’s waist. He pulls their bodies closer. He wants them to be _closer_. 

“Wait, Chris, stop.” Sebastian says, pushing him away with a gentle hand on his chest.

They’re both slightly out of breath when they part. And Chris suddenly realizes his pants are much too tight for comfort. When his eyes flicker down to Sebastian’s lips--red and swollen--images of those lips wrapped around his cock abruptly fill his head. And damnit, that is definitely not helping his erection.

“I um… I--I try not to make a habit of sleeping with my drunk, bi-curious co-stars,” Sebastian says. “It--it hasn’t really worked out well for me in the past.” 

Chris blinks and tries to focus on the other man’s words. His head feels fuzzy and jumbled, due to not only the alcohol, but the sudden loss of blood to his brain. He's certain of only one thing.

“I want you, Sebastian. God, I’ve wanted you since the moment we started prepping for Cap 2. There’s… there’s something different about you. I don’t know, I just… I just want you.” He leans in again to steal another kiss, and Sebastian reluctantly lets him.

“You’re drunk, Chris.” He whispers against his lips. “I really don’t want to do this when you’re drunk. What if you regret it tomorrow?”

“I’m not that drunk. I was just playing it up so you’d come get me. God, I want this so bad.” Chris leans their foreheads together. And when he looks into Sebastian's eyes, he thinks he could drown in them forever. “I won’t ever regret this. I promise you.” He sneaks another kiss. And another. Just presses their lips together. And finally, _finally_ Sebastian gives in. He leans closer, and his hand snakes out to find the hem of Chris’s shirt. He lifts it slightly, slipping his hand underneath to run over hard muscle. He parts his soft lips and Chris immediately runs his tongue between them, gently licking, _tasting._ It's everything that he's thought about for far too long, and it's really happening. He's almost embarrassed by the moan that comes from deep in his throat. 

After a while they both part, the same expression on their faces. Disbelief. And desire.

Shirts come off, discarded carelessly on Chris's bedroom floor. Pants, shoes, and socks quickly follow.

Chris yanks the sheets back and they both scramble between them, naked and panting. Chris crawls on top and pushes the younger man back against the pillows. He’s straddling Sebastian’s legs, the other man lying pliant beneath him. He glances down quickly, eyes taking in hard lines of muscle, and a cock straining for attention. Every inch of Sebastian’s body is as beautiful as his face.

He's nervous--for the first time in a long time. Because this is _Sebastian_. Chris reaches a hand between their bodies, takes the other man's cock in his hand. He strokes it slowly, remembering how he likes it himself. It’s weird--this is the first dick he’s ever touched besides his own.

Sebastian moans softly and Chris glances up at his face. His eyes are closed, lips gently parted. Chris leans down to kiss those soft lips again.

When they break apart, Sebastian takes a shaky breath, staring up at the other man with beautiful, wide eyes.

He’s nervous.

“It’s uh… it’s been a while… since I’ve… you know…”

Chris nods. He can't help but wonder how many guys Sebastian has been with. As far as he knows, Sebastian had only ever dated women. But given his filmography, it’s hard not to wonder if he had done a little off camera experimenting.

He reaches into the drawer of his nightstand and pulls out a bottle of lube. He had never been with a guy before, but he’s had girlfriends who were adventurous.

“Roll over.”

Sebastian complies. He’s a bit tense, even in the fading drunk haze of Chris’s mind he can see this. He gently runs his fingers down the other man’s spine. He feels the shivers that spread across his cool skin. Chris unabashedly admires the other man’s ass, round and firm. He’s going to make him feel so fucking good.

Putting a generous glob of lube on his fingers, he gently rubs it against the tight ring of muscle before slowly pressing his finger inside. Sebastian moans softly at the intrusion and buries his face in a pillow, which only slightly muffles the sounds. He tries to relax his muscles, focusing only on the tremors of pleasure from Chris's finger in his ass. 

Steve gently fucks him with his finger, taking note of how Sebastian whimpers when he curls his finger just right. He slowly inserts another finger, stretching him out carefully. His own cock is painfully hard and he strokes himself with his other hand.

“I’m good,” Sebastian forces out. “I'm good. Just get your cock in me. Now.”

Chris grins at the other man’s impatience. He quickly rubs a generous amount of lube over his cock as Sebastian slowly gets to his hands and knees, moaning softly when his cock is no longer pressed into the mattress.

Chris lines himself up against the other man’s entrance and slowly presses in. His hands grip Sebastian’s hips.

“Oh, fuck.” Chris whispers when he’s completely in, buried to the hilt. “Oh god, you are so fucking tight.”

Sebastian just whimpers as he adjusts to the other man’s length. He’s supporting his weight on his elbows, head bowed to the mattress and hair a complete fucking mess.

Chris slowly pulls out half way before thrusting back in, still going slow and gentle so as not to hurt him. He must be hitting his prostate because Sebastian practically lets out a sob, his hand clenching the sheets in a fist.

Chris speeds up his movements, leaning over to press gentle kisses to the back of Sebastian’s neck. He runs his hand through Sebastian’s messy hair. He grips a handful of dark hair and pulls back, just short of too hard and captures the other man’s lips in a rough kiss. Chris gives him a particularly hard thrust and they’re both moaning into each other’s mouths.

Chris can feel his balls draw up tight to his body and knows he won’t last much longer. He speeds up his thrusts and reaches his hand beneath their bodies, gripping the other man’s cock hard and starts stroking to the rhythm of his thrusts. Sebastian lets out a moan worthy of a porn star.

“Come for me, baby.” Chris whispers into Sebastian’s ear. And he does.

Sebastian tries to muffle his incoherent moans into the pillow as his cock spurts cum all over the sheets. It’s the sweetest sound he’s ever heard as Chris continues to fuck him through his orgasm. Only when Sebastian relaxes his limbs does Chris finally let himself go. And then he’s coming long and hard, buried completely inside the other man.

“Oh, fuck Seb.” He groans as he slowly comes down from his high. His face is buried in Sebastian’s hair, which smells like wonderful apple shampoo. He pulls them both down so they’re lying on their sides. He gently pulls out of the other man’s body and rolls onto his back.

“Wow… Just wow… We have got to do that again.”

Sebastian turns around to look at him. “You want to?” He asks softly. He hopes his eagerness isn't too obvious in his voice.

Chris stares at him incredulously. “Are you kidding me? That was amazing.”

Sebastian smiles, a genuine one that reaches his eyes, and Chris has to reach a hand up to his face, pulling him down for a gentle kiss. When they pull away, Sebastian reaches for a discarded t-shirt and starts cleaning up the mess he made on the sheets.

“I’ve got your cum running out of my ass,” he says, making a face, before using the same t-shirt to wipe his behind.

Chris can only laugh at that. And Sebastian gives him another smile in return. 

“You want me to go or stay?” He says softly, suddenly serious again.

Chris pauses. “Stay. Definitely stay.” He reaches up and grabs the now soiled t-shirt and throws it to the ground. He grasps Sebastian by the arm and pulls him down into an embrace, wrapping both arms around him. “You’re not going anywhere,” he murmurs and places another kiss to his lips.

His eyes are closed but he can feel Sebastian smiling against him. “I was hoping you’d say that.”

“Goodnight, baby.” He says softly.

“Goodnight, Chris.” 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Cleveland, June 2013**

The Russos’ told them they had a ten minute break before getting back to work. 

Chris politely sends away his assistant, who insists on getting him an iced beverage of some sort. He quickly and quietly makes his way to Sebastian’s trailer. He makes sure to close the door behind him. A smile spreads across his face seeing Sebastian without the tight, mask constraining his face.

“Hey, baby.” Chris whispers as he grasps the other man’s face with both hands, pulling him in for a feverish kiss. He pushes Sebastian back, his whole body pressed hard against him. Sebastian lets out an ‘oomph’ when the back of his thighs bump against the small table in the cramped dressing room. A whole day without touching each other and they’re rutting against each other like a couple of horny teenagers.

“Chris, someone could walk in.” Sebastian says, glancing quickly at the door. A few of his assistants have been known to forget to knock.

“Don’t worry, no one followed me. I checked.” Chris steals another kiss. “I cannot wait to get you back to the house tonight. Maybe we’ll finally have some privacy. I want you so bad.” He grabs two handfuls of Sebastian’s ass and gives them a hard squeeze, making the other man moan. “I’ve spent all day touching you and not in the way that I want to.” He’s referring to the fight sequence that they’ve spent all day filming. They’re both covered in bruises once again. Thank god they have stunt doubles for some of the harder, more dangerous stuff. 

Sebastian playfully nips at his bottom lip, pulling it between his teeth and licking with that sinful tongue of his. “Plenty of time for that later,” he says with a wicked smile, before leaning in and pressing their lips together once again.

This had been going on for a solid month now. Ever since that night in Los Angeles they had been sneaking around, careful not to get caught by anyone. It was harder once they left Los Angeles. Sebastian could no longer spend the night at Chris’s house with everyone else being none the wiser. The two of them along with Anthony and Frank had rented a large, furnished house to stay at for the duration of filming in Cleveland. Sebastian would sneak into his room late at night, and quietly run back to his own room every morning before the other two would be up. The younger man had hardly slept in his own bed since they started filming in Ohio. There were a lot of stolen kisses when they thought no one was watching. It almost made it more exciting, sneaking around. 

Sebastian had been nothing short of intoxicating, with his beautiful smile and bright blue eyes, contagious, sweet laughter more beautiful than any music Chris had ever heard. Chris couldn’t think of the last time he had as much fun as he did this past month.

“Anthony and Scarlett keep making jokes.” Sebastian says softly. “I’m pretty sure they know about us.”

The smile drops from Chris’s face. “They’re just jokes. They don’t know, Seb. They can’t. We’ve been careful.”

Sebastian nods in agreement. They have been careful for the most part. They almost never touch each other except in a friendly way when they're on set. But there have been a couple close calls. A moment later he says, “You know, I wouldn’t really care if they did.”

Chris looks at him confused. “What?”

Sebastian just shrugs. “Close friends? I really wouldn’t care that much if they knew. They wouldn’t judge us.”

“Seb, we have to keep this between us. If we tell a few people, it’s going to spread, the whole set will find out, and before you know it, it’ll be on the front page of all the gossip blogs! Stuff like this gets out, it always does. It would change everything. Our careers, our managers would flip a shit! No one can know, Seb.” He's very insistent about this.

Sebastian nods. “Yeah, you’re right. No one can know.”

A few more quick kisses and they’re returning to set to finish the scene.

One of the assistants works to put the mask back on Sebastian’s face. Sebastian doesn't complain much but Chris hates the damn thing. Not only because it prevents him from swooning over Sebastian’s pretty face on set, but it’s also tight and restraining like a muzzle. It’s got barely enough openings for Sebastian to breath. Sometimes Chris worries about him filming fast-paced action scenes like this one.

The directors say their cues and they’re off. They know the choreography like the back of their hand by now, after so many months. They go at it again and again, take after take. Chris grabs Sebastian from behind, lifting him up and flipping him behind his shoulder. He’s always afraid Sebastian will land on his neck wrong when he does this. But the other man knows how to brace himself and the mats are padded.

“Cut!” Yells Joe from the director’s chair.

Sebastian slowly gets up from where he’s kneeling on the ground.

Chris groans himself as he straightens. His back is aching from several takes of the fight sequence. The other man may be slighter than him, but he did pack on twenty pounds of muscle for the role and the leather and metal arm aren’t exactly light either. Chris tries to catch Sebastian’s gaze.

Sebastian’s eyes are glassy, and he’s leaning against the van, which isn’t really a van. It’s a prop that might collapse under his weight if he keeps leaning against it. And he looks like he’s about to collapse himself. His chest is heaving through his leather costume as he tries to catch his breath. 

“Seb? Are you okay?” Chris asks in a panic, because Sebastian is definitely not okay.  He’s in front of him in a second, his hands on the other man’s waist ready to catch him if he falls.

“I can’t breath,” Sebastian says, his voice muffled by the mask. “I can’t breath! Get this thing off of me.” His fingers are weakly pulling at the straps of the mask, unable to undo the clasp that holds it together.

Chris frantically reaches behind his neck, trying to undo the straps. Sebastian’s eyes are half-lidded and they slowly slide to the floor together. The mask is off and Chris harshly throws it a few feet away. He grabs the other man’s face with both hands.

“Sebastian?”

His eyes are closed, head tilted back, and he’s heaving breaths of air.

“Sebastian? Are you okay? Do you need a paramedic?” Chris asks frantically. He hears running footsteps and looks behind him to see the concerned faces of the Russos, Anthony, Scarlett, and Frank. Several assistants and camera crew are crowded behind them. 

“I’m fine,” Sebastian mumbles, shaking his head slightly. He opens his eyes. “I’m okay.”

Anthony shoves a bottle of water in his face. “Drink some water, man.” From the tone of his voice it’s not a suggestion, and Sebastian doesn’t protest. He downs half the bottle and takes a deep breath. His eyes are no longer dull and dazed, but still not as bright as Chris is used to seeing from him.

“Sebastian, let’s get you checked out,” Joe says. They always have two on site medics at the ready. It’s a necessity for a big production like this.

“I’m fine. Really I am,” Sebastian insists, shaking his head. “I’m just a little out of breath. It’s hard to breathe in that mask." He takes a deep breath. "Give me a minute and I can keep going.”

“No, are you kidding me? You almost passed out!” Chris practically yells at him.

“Chris, I’m okay.” Sebastian insists again.

“Either way, Sebastian, why don’t you take the rest of the day off? We’ve got all the scenes we need from you today. We’ll shoot Chris and Scarlett’s scenes for now.” Joe says.

Sebastian looks like he’s about to protest.

“I mean it. Get your costume off and go home, get some rest. We’ve got the rest of this week to get this scene done. There’s plenty of time.”

“Okay,” Sebastian says, finally giving in. He starts to stand up and Chris immediately grabs his arm to help him.

“You sure you’re alright?”

“I’m fine, Chris. Just got a little lightheaded that’s all. I’ll see you back at the house later.” He gives him a smile. “Go on, they’ll be waiting for you.”

Chris nods and follows Scarlett back to the director’s chair. He glances back quickly and sees Sebastian’s assistants tailing him back to his trailer.

“You two are so obvious.”

“What?” Chris says, turning to Scarlett.

“You’re screwing him, aren’t you?” Scarlett smirks.

Chris blanks. How can she know? How can she possibly know?

“Uh…” He blinks rapidly and nearly falters in his footsteps.

“Come on, you guys aren’t exactly discrete about it.”

Chris looks baffled at that. He thought they were being extremely careful. “I don’t know what you’re talking about—”

“I think you guys are really cute together.” Her smile widens when Chris’s words are suddenly stuck in his throat. “The way you fuss over him. It’s adorable. I better get an invite to the wedding,” she says with a wink before picking up her pace.

Chris just stares blankly at her retreating back. 

_Fuck._

*******

Four hours later, Chris is knocking on Sebastian’s bedroom door. He rushed through his scenes as quickly as he could without fucking up; practically running off set as soon as they said he was done for the day. He really just wants to see with his own eyes that Sebastian is okay. He looked fine as he left the set, but Chris couldn’t help the anxious feeling in the pit of his gut. It was the only thing keeping his mind off of what Scarlett had said. At least she was his closest friend on set. They had known each other for nearly a decade. He knows he can trust her, even with something as important as this.

There’s no answer from inside, and after a few tense moments Chris throws open the door. Thank god it’s unlocked. He steps inside and is finally able to relax when he sees Sebastian sitting on his bed, phone pressed to his ear, staring out the window.

Sebastian throws him a small smile. “Hey,” he mouths silently. He still looks exhausted.

Chris sits down on the bed next to him, wrapping both arms around Sebastian’s torso. He carefully avoids Sebastian’s elbow smacking him in the head and presses the side of his face against Sebastian’s shoulder blade. He presses a gentle kiss to the back of Sebastian’s neck as the other man continues his phone conversation.

He can hear a male voice on Sebastian’s phone. He can’t quite make out the words. Even less so when Sebastian moves his phone to his other ear. “I’ve still got three more weeks of filming,” he says softly to the person on the other end of the line.

He gently loosens Chris’s arms around his body and scoots back a couple feet on the bed, leaning against the headboard. He pulls Chris’s head into his lap and gently runs his fingers through Chris’s short hair. Chris moans softly at the head massage.

“That’s… really not a great idea. I’m going to be really busy, the whole time. I… I really can’t.”

Chris feels Sebastian’s hand tense against his head. He doesn’t speak for a while. Chris lifts his head to look up at the other man. Sebastian’s staring blankly out the window. Chris is strangely reminded of the Winter Soldier’s blank stare during the helicarrier scene.

“Yeah… yeah I will. For a couple weeks, at least.”

“Yeah, I’ll let you know when I’m back in the city. Look, I gotta go, Chace. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Bye.”

Sebastian ends the call and places his phone on his nightstand. With a big sigh, he lets his head fall back against the headboard, eyes closed. He’s quiet. Sebastian’s never quiet, and Chris can’t quite tell if he’s exhausted from two months of long days or if it’s something else.

“You okay, baby?” Chris asks, concerned about the other man.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Sebastian says, opening his eyes. But he’s staring at the ceiling and not at Chris. “Just tired. Tough day.”

Chris nods, understanding. But then he’s distracted by the delicious column of Sebastian’s throat, which is wonderfully placed on display for him, and he leans forward to lick a line of smooth skin from his collar bone up to his ear. Sebastian lets out a laugh and lifts his head to meet Chris’s lips in a kiss.

“I was worried about you,” Chris says softly.

Sebastian shakes his head. “I’m fine, Chris. Really, I am.” The other man's concern is touching, and Sebastian can't help but get his hopes up that what they have is something real, something that will last, a long time.

“Who’s Chace?” Chris asks, curious.

Sebastian’s smile drops. “He’s… just an old friend. We kind of ended off on bad terms. Haven’t really spoken to each other in… close to three years.” He shrugs his shoulders. “He wants to reconnect.”

“Oh. You guys worked together?”

Sebastian nods. “Yeah. I’ve known him for so long. We did a movie back in 2006. I did a couple of episodes on Gossip Girl with him. We were… pretty close for about six years. He was a good friend.” He doesn't mention that they were a lot more than friends.

“Why’d you stop talking?” Chris asks, curious.

Sebastian doesn’t quite meet his eyes. “Personal differences.” It’s clear he doesn’t want to say any more on the subject. Instead he pulls Chris up by the arms so they’re both sitting at eye level.

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Where do you see this going? You and me? Do we have something real here?”

Chris blinks, shocked by the question. This is the second time today he’s been caught off guard. “Um, I—I haven’t really put much thought into that.” He drops his gaze. Suddenly he was very interested in the bed sheets. They had never talked about it before. “I mean, this is… really great, Seb…” He trails off and looks back up at Sebastian. “It’s awesome, but—”

The other man has an unreadable expression on his face. “We’ve got less than a month left of filming. What happens when I go back to New York and you go back to LA?”

Chris feels something sink in his stomach at the thought of being so far away from Sebastian. They live on opposite sides of the country. “It’s not like we’ll never see each other. We’ve got months of promotion for Cap 2. And don’t forget, we’ve still got two more Marvel movies to do together.” He places a kiss on Sebastian’s lips. “Let’s not think so far ahead, okay? I mean, this is great, right?”

Slowly, Sebastian nods. He gives him a small smile that doesn’t quite meet his eyes.

“Yeah. Yeah, okay.”

“Now, come on. Let’s have sex before the others get back from set. We can be as loud as we want.” He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively.

Sebastian laughs at that and bites his bottom lip the way that makes Chris want to attack his face with his lips. So that’s exactly what he does.

Sebastian lets out a laugh and a squeal of protest when Chris wraps both arms around him and pushes him back against the pillows with his whole body.

“I don’t want this movie to end,” Sebastian says softly, looking up at Chris.

“I know, baby. Me neither,” Chris says, before leaning down to kiss him again.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Cleveland, June 2013**

 

“And cut! That’s a wrap for Sebastian, Frank, and Robert!”

Loud applause breaks out throughout the room as several crewmembers move forward to lift the machine-like apparatus covering Sebastian’s face as well as the fake arm restraints. He sits up and removes the mouth guard, handing it to one of the assistants.

It’s finally over. His last scene. 

“It was a pleasure working with ya, kid.” Robert Redford says as he steps forward. He’s holding his hand out, which Sebastian gladly shakes. “You’ve got some real talent. I see a lot of great things in your future.”

“It was an honor working with you, sir,” Sebastian says, trying not to stumble over his words. These last three months have been like a dream. Cap 2 is the biggest production he's ever been in. And so many big name actors treating him like one of their own is enough to make his head spin.

“Please, call me Robert,” the other man throws him a warm smile. “Good luck with everything, Sebastian. This movie is going to be big. Your whole life is going to change.”

Sebastian nods, still a bit star struck. Even after a few weeks, it’s hard to get used to the fact that he’s been working with Robert Redford. And he only managed to make a fool of himself once... or twice... in front of him.

Frank walks over to him just as the other man makes his exit.

“Wow,” Sebastian says softly as he watches Robert Redford say his individual farewells to the directors and crewmembers. “I can’t believe it’s over.”

“Yeah, a crazy time, right? It was real good working with you, Sebastian.”

Sebastian turns to him with a smile. “Aww, don’t look so sad, Frank. We haven’t seen the last of Crossbones. You’ll be back for Cap 3.”

“I hope so. I’m confident, but I don’t want to get my hopes up. It’s been quite a ride.”

Sebastian nods. It really has. He’s worked harder these past three months than he has for any project in his whole life. He can’t help but think Robert’s last words were right. This movie will change his whole life. The Winter Soldier’s going to be big, Marvel movies always are.

But the movie isn’t done yet. Chris still has a couple more scenes to film along with Scarlett, Anthony, and Sam, so production will be going on for another week or so. But he knows Frank’s already planning on leaving in a couple days.

“You’re heading home on Sunday, right?”

Frank nods. “I got a wife and three kids who will threaten to replace me if I’m gone too long.”

Sebastian laughs at that. “I’ll miss you, man.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll get together sometime before the promotional shit happens. Next time we're in New York, I promise.”

“Alright, I’ll hold you to it.”

They head over to their trailers and let the assistants work on getting their gear off. Frank ends up waiting around twenty minutes for Sebastian.

“It’s the arm and makeup and shit!”

Franks laughs at his exasperated expression. “Come on kid, let’s go home. It’s been a long day.”

 

***

 

When they finally get back to the house, Chris and Anthony are watching television in their living room. Well, the television is on, it doesn’t really look like they’re paying much attention to it. Anthony’s cracking one of his jokes, and Chris is in hysterics. Sebastian feels a smile spreading on his face seeing the other man nearly doubled over in laughter.

Chris’s own eyes light up when he sees the other man. “Hey, how was the last day? I can't believe it's officially over for you guys!”

Sebastian lets out a deep breath, dropping onto the sofa next to Chris. “It was weird. Saying goodbye to everyone. Not having to go in next week, no more fourteen hour days.”

“No more 5AM training!” Frank chimes in.

Sebastian laughs. “No more dieting!”

“Can’t believe y’all are done. Man, we gotta go celebrate! Get some drinks! This one’s leaving in two days!” Anthony says, leaning over to lightly hit Frank in the arm.

“Scarlett’s throwing a party at her place tomorrow night, kind of a farewell part one for cast and crew who are done already,” Chris says, nodding to Sebastian. “Part two’s going to be post final wrap up. Probably next weekend.”

“I’m sorry to miss out on part two. But tomorrow night will be fun. It’ll be nice to see everybody one last time.” Frank says as he heads towards the kitchen.

“You’re leaving Sunday morning, right?” Anthony shouts after him.

“Yup, 9AM flight,” he yells back.

“What about you, Sebastian? You staying the week?”

“Yeah, I think so,” Sebastian says, glancing at Chris quickly. “Why not? Got nothing waiting for me back in New York.”

Chris smiles at this and immediately wishes that the other two weren’t here so he could show the other man just how happy he is in private.

“Man, thank God today’s Friday! I need a break!” Anthony says as he gets off his chair and heads towards the kitchen.

Sebastian glances at Chris before looking over his shoulder towards the kitchen area. Frank and Anthony are out of sight and they can hear their voices arguing over who gets the last of the milk. Sebastian turns back to him with a smile before leaning over to kiss the other man.

Chris responds enthusiastically. Two months of secret, stolen kisses and he’s desperate for each one he can get. He’s all soft moans and wet tongue, glad to touch Sebastian after a whole day without him, until he opens his eyes and sees Anthony staring at them from the doorway with both eyebrows raised. 

Immediately he jumps away from the other man. Fuck.

Eyes wide, Sebastian turns to see Anthony over his shoulder.

“It’s—it’s not what it looks like,” Chris stammers. “We—we were just—”

“Messing around,” Sebastian fills in.

“A joke,” Chris stutters. “He was showing me how to—shit—um...” his heart’s racing and he feels like he might be having an anxiety attack. He stands up, clearly panicking and freaking out, looking from Sebastian to Anthony.

 _Please don’t freak out._ Sebastian pleads with his eyes.

“I—I gotta go…” Chris stands and rushes past, nearly knocking over Frank on his rush out the front door. 

Sebastian slowly turns and meets Anthony’s eyes. He feels a bit like someone dropped a rock in his stomach. Or kicked his puppy. Or both.

“Go after him, man.”

Sebastian nods faintly, wishing against hope that this is all a bad dream and no they did not fuck this up with one week left of the shoot. He heads out the door looking for signs of the other man. Chris is a distance away, fumbling with his car keys. He’s just about to open the door when Sebastian shouts out to him.

“Chris!” He runs down the path to the driveway to catch up with him. “Chris, wait, don’t go!”

The other man turns and looks at him quickly before looking away again. “I gotta get out of here, Seb.”

He barely has the door open when Sebastian’s suddenly next to him pressing his hand to the window, shutting the door loudly.

Chris immediately backs up, and Sebastian tries not to look hurt when Chris won’t even look him in the eye. He’s sneaking glances back to the house like Anthony and Frank might be watching them from the windows. Thank goodness they’re renting a secluded house with a perimeter fence. At least there’s no need to worry about paparazzi or curious fans.

“Chris, it’s not that big of a deal!” Sebastian says softly, because it really isn't. Not to him. "Really."

“Not that big of a deal? He saw us kissing!”

“People were gonna find out eventually... right?”

Chris just stares at him, jaw dropped. He starts shaking his head. “I just—I think we need to stay away from each other for a little bit.”

“What?” He can't believe it. This is the last thing he wanted to hear. And honestly it was what he was afraid of when they first started hooking up.

“I gotta get out of here. I just—I gotta go.”

“Chris?!” Sebastian cries when the other man opens the door again, stumbling back because the door hits him in the side.

“Chris?!” He yells again over the roar of the engine turning on. But the car’s already backing out of the driveway. And he watches as Chris speeds off into the night.

He lets out a short breath after all signs of Chris are gone. He feels lost and tired and dejected. How did this happen? This wasn’t supposed to happen. They weren’t supposed to get caught and Chris wasn’t supposed to freak out, leaving him alone to deal with the aftermath. They were supposed to spend the night in. A quiet Friday night in Chris’s bed watching reruns on television and sharing a pint of ice cream that their trainers would have freaked out about three weeks ago.

He stands by himself for another few moments before slowly making his way back inside. As he opens the door he realizes that this will be the first time in weeks that he spends the night in his own bed. Alone.

 

***

 

Sebastian forces a smile as another member of the production team tells the story of how Scarlett kept messing up takes because her hair kept getting in her face and it was ‘impossible not to blink while doing that’. He really doesn’t want to be here right now, but he’s hoping that Chris will show up because he has no idea where the other man is. He's been calling him all day with no answer. He’s feeling tense like there’s a heavy weight on his chest and he’s almost positive everyone else can see it. This is not at all how he wanted to spend his last week here. 

A glass in suddenly shoved in his face and he looks up to see Anthony in front of him.

“Thanks,” he says taking the glass.

“You look like you could use it. It’s bourbon. The good stuff.”

Sebastian takes an impressive gulp and winces as the liquid goes down his throat.

“You heard from Chris yet?”

“I haven’t seen him since last night,” Sebastian says softly. “I tried calling him, texting him, all day. No response.”

Anthony shakes his head. “Can’t believe he would miss Scarlett’s party.”

Sebastian drops his eyes to the ground, taking another drink. He’s definitely angrier about Chris running off on him than missing a party. But he knows the other man has to come back sooner or later. After all, he still has a week of filming left. There’s no Captain America without Chris Evans. He’s still convinced that if Chris would just come back, and they could talk about things rationally, things can still be salvaged. There’s no reason why—

“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me.”

His train of thought is interrupted and he looks up and follows Anthony’s line of sight.

And there’s Chris, who’s just walked in the door, all smiles and waves, with… a tall, beautiful brunette on his arm.

“Is that—”

“Minka Kelly,” Sebastian answers. “His ex.” He feels an anger building in the pit of his stomach that he’s not used to. He throws back the rest of his drink as he watches Chris shake hands and give one-armed hugs to various cast and crewmembers as he makes his way into the house.

“That son of a bitch,” Sebastian spits as he turns away from the sight, placing his empty glass on a side table next to him. He rubs his eyes with his hand, and then presses his closed fist to his mouth. He feels like he’s about to puke and the alcohol burning in his stomach isn't helping. He’s hurt and angry and how the hell could Chris do this to him?

“You want me to throw down for you?” Anthony asks. “I’ll throw down for you, just say the word. I’ll put Captain America flat on his ass. Don’t worry, there ain’t nothing make up can’t cover nowadays.”

Sebastian just shakes his head. He's thankful but far too angry to express it right now. “I’m getting another drink,” he says before walking towards the kitchen.

Twenty minutes and two glasses of bourbon later, it’s clear that Chris is avoiding him. But that’s not okay because Sebastian feels like his head is about to explode if he doesn’t get some answers soon.

He’s tired of being ignored and he walks up to the other man, not even caring that’s he’s interrupting a conversation.

“Chris, can I talk to you? In private?”

Chris turns to look at him, a smile spread wide on his face. “Yeah, Sebastian! Oh, this is Minka. Minka, my co-star the Winter Soldier, Sebastian.”

“Nice to meet you, Sebastian,” she says politely with a smile.

Fuck her, Sebastian doesn’t even glance at her. “Now, Chris,” he says with anger in his eyes. He turns and heads towards the back porch, not even waiting to see if Chris was following him. Sebastian can feel blood pounding in his ears. When they’re alone he doesn’t know if he’s going to yell or cry or throw a punch.

They go outside, but the porch is populated with people, including Scarlett who gives them a weird look, so they head to a secluded area in the backyard.

“What are you doing with her?” Is the first thing out of Sebastian’s mouth when they’re finally alone.

“We… kind of got back together.” Chris at least has the courtesy to look embarrassed or maybe ashamed. 

Sebastian’s head drops forward a little. And he stares like he’s waiting for Chris to say it’s all a big joke.

“I called her last night… she just got into town a few hours ago—”

“And what about us, Chris?”

There’s regret on his face, like this is more painful for him. His mouth opens, then closes, and opens again. “Look, Seb, we weren’t really together—”

“Don’t you fucking say that to me,” he says, his voice low. “Not after two months.”

“I’m sorry—”

“You didn’t even have the decency to break up with me first?”

“I said we needed to stop… to stay away from each other for a bit.”

“No, Chris, you fucking ran off while I was trying to have a mature conversation with you. And then you disappear for an entire day and bring some girl that you dated four years ago that nobody knows to a party where we’re supposed to be saying goodbye to the people we spent the past five months working with?”

“Keep your voice down,” Chris says softly, guiltily, as his eyes dart back to the house.

Sebastian sees red. Before he registers what he's doing he has a fist raised like he’s about to hit him. And then he stops.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” He whispers.

“I’m sorry, Sebastian.” And the worst part is, Chris really does look like he's sorry.

“Don’t. Don’t say you’re sorry. I don’t want to hear it. And frankly, I’m not sure if you mean it." He pauses, and rubs his eyes with his hands, trying so hard to tell himself this can be fixed. "This isn’t the first time I’ve been here, in this same situation, and I had hoped that I could _trust you_ not to do this to me.”

“I’m…” and he trails off because he can't apologize again. He can't do anything.

“I love you, you son of a bitch. I’m _in love_ with you.” And god, he's never meant the words more.

Chris just stares at him in shock. They had never said those words to each other. Not once in the two months they had been fooling around.

“I know you love me too,” he says quietly, desperately.

But there are no words in Chris’s throat. Whatever he was about to say is lost and forgotten. He’s panicking and tries to shake his head but he only manages a jerky movement.

“Don’t lie to me,” Sebastian says angrily, already knowing what Chris was about to say. “I’ve seen the way you look at me. You’re always there when I need you. The way you call me _baby_ for past two months. I _know_ you love me." He sighs. "You made me fall in love with you, Chris. Don’t fucking do this to me.”

“I—I can’t.” Chris’s voice cracks. “I can’t be with you,” he says, shaking his head. “I’m sorry, Sebastian. If Anthony didn’t see us—”

“Oh god, they already fucking knew!” He says, exasperated.

“What?” Chris says, staring at him. “They?”

“Anthony saw me coming out of your room one morning our second week here. Why do you think he and Frank are always ‘getting drinks’ after work? Like they’re not as exhausted as we are? They were giving us the privacy to fuck as loud as we wanted!”

Chris stares at him, mouth open, unable to speak.

“They already knew,” Sebastian says. His anger is slowly fading away and he’s just left feeling hurt. “Nobody cares but you, Chris.”

He watches the other man for a few moments. It’s clear that Chris is going through some existential crisis in his own head.

“You’re a fucking coward,” he says softly.

He turns and walks back towards the house, wanting nothing more than to leave and get as far away from people as he can. He’s not in the partying mood.

 


	4. Chapter 4

 

Chris blinks tiredly at the ceiling for what seems like the hundredth time in the past hour. Sleep doesn’t seem to be coming to him tonight. That’s no surprise after the events of the night. He turns his head slightly to glance at the clock on his nightstand.

4:59 AM

He wonders if Sebastian is in his room right now. He wasn’t home when Chris and Minka had come back. He definitely left Scarlett’s place before anyone else. Where could he have gone? It’s like no matter how hard he tries he just can’t get Sebastian’s hurt, dejected face out of his head. His last words are still ringing in his ears.

_“You’re a fucking coward.”_

He never meant to hurt the other man. Honestly. It was the last thing he wanted when this whole thing started two months ago. It’s true though, he is afraid. Afraid of the whole world finding out that he’s been with another man. He remembers how hard it was for Scott to come out. And he’s way more famous than his brother. This would affect everything for him. The types of roles he would get, the publicity, everything would change. And that scares him. Scares him enough to run away from it.

He silently cringes when the woman in his arms shifts her position. Her head snuggles further into his chest causing her hair to brush against his face. He turns his head away so it doesn’t tickle his nose.

He always loved it when Sebastian’s hair was in his face. He loved smelling it, inhaling the scent of the other man’s shampoo. Pulling on it. God, he loved pulling on it.

But now Sebastian’s gone and he’s left lying here with a naked woman in his arms. A woman he no longer cares about. He and Minka broke up over four years ago, yet some stupid side of him that he sometimes wants to punch in the face, decided that it would be a good idea to rekindle things with her. A mask to hide behind. The only plus side being that it would take the heat away from his thing with Sebastian. This thing that a minimum of three people know about. As far as he knows.

Those three had some harsh words for him last night after Sebastian had left. And they were right.

“He deserves better than you.” Frank had said as Chris was making his way back into Scarlett’s house. The older man is good friends with Sebastian, almost protective of him. The warning look in his eyes was enough to make Chris feel shame for his actions.

But Scarlett was worse. She was a tempest of fury. “What the fuck is wrong with you? How could you do this to him? I can not believe you brought that girl here, what the hell were you thinking, Chris?”

“I wasn’t thinking, okay. I wasn’t thinking.” He muttered under his breath.

“You’re damn right you weren’t.”

Anthony just gave him a disappointed look. “You better fix this, man. I don’t know how, but you better fix it.”

The thing is, he doesn’t know if he can. Sebastian clearly wants something more. A warm feeling settles in his stomach as he thinks of Sebastian’s other words.

_I love you. I’m in love with you._

He wants to love him back. The hopeless romantic in him maybe believes he already does. But the rational side of him says it can’t happen. He could never truly devote himself to Sebastian, and the other man deserves more than that.

Ughh, he can’t think about this anymore, it'll kill him. He closes his eyes again, wraps his arms tighter around Minka, and tells himself to go to sleep. Things will be better in the morning.

 

***

 

Chris peaks into Sebastian’s room on his way back to his own. The lights are off and the room is empty. Chris furrows his brow and sighs mentally, wondering where the other man could have been all day. He hasn’t seen him since he stormed off last night. In hindsight he should have expected avoidance from the other man. Although he really wouldn’t know what to say if he did see him.

Chris had spent the day catching up with Minka. Well, she had done most of the talking. She was quite excited when he suggested they meet up and possibly consider getting back together. They hadn’t ended on bad terms. They were just two people who had grown apart. She was quite open to giving things another chance.

They had just gotten back from dinner. There were lots of paparazzi. Nothing Chris wasn’t used to. But it was definitely going to get out there that he was at dinner with his ex-girlfriend.

Minka’s going through a few shopping bags she had amassed throughout the day, while simultaneously telling him about the new show she’ll be doing. Chris is scrolling through his phone, making sure to nod and look interested in her conversation, when his phone goes off in his hand.

It’s Sebastian.

His breath catches in his chest.

“I got to take this.” He says to Minka. “I’ll be right back.”

He speed walks out of his room as inconspicuously as he can and sneaks outside. He’s not sure why he’s sneaking, Sebastian is clearly not home, Frank left this morning for the airport, and Anthony is nowhere in sight.

“Hello?” And there is definitely not a hitch in his voice.

“Hi,” comes Sebastian’s soft voice over the phone.

God, his heart aches hearing that voice. He didn’t even realize how much he missed him until now. He slowly drops into one of the plastic chairs on their back porch.

“Hey, Seb. Where are you?”

“I’m staying at a motel for the night. Didn’t want to be under the same roof as you and her. Have to hear you fucking through the wall,” comes his bitter voice.

There’s that guilt again. “Seb…”

“Are you denying it? Did you fuck her?”

Chris really hates himself for not being able to answer. “I’m sorry, Seb.”

“Stop apologizing.” He says angrily. “I can’t do anything with your apologies.”

“She’s leaving tomorrow,” he says weakly.

“So what? What does that mean? Does that mean you want to fuck me again, or do you just want to keep pretending nothing ever happened between us?”

Chris cringes when he hears his words. Sebastian is making it sound so dirty and meaningless. He never thought of it as just fucking. It was always more to him. And he takes himself by surprise when he realizes it.

“No, I—I don’t know, Seb,” he murmurs. “I just—I don’t know what I want. I’m sorry…”

“Look, I don’t want to fight with you, Chris. I’m too tired for that." And he does sound so tired. "I want to see you. Will you meet me, tonight?”

Chris glances back at the house. He thinks of the woman in his room, probably fiddling with the new purse he had bought with his credit card. “I can’t tonight, Seb.” He pauses briefly. “She’s still here.”

“It has to be tonight. Please, I want to talk about this, with you, in person. I’m not going to be angry anymore." He swears. "We… we never defined the relationship, so I take partial responsibility for that. But I do want to be with you, only you. I want to give us a chance.”

“I can’t…”

“You know I’m leaving soon. I’m going back to New York. Can you please come see me tonight?”

“Why does it have to be tonight?”

“Because I feel like I’m suffocating here!”

Chris flinches when the other man raises his voice. “Wh—what?”

“Chris… I can’t do this with you anymore. If you don’t come see me tonight, it’s over, I swear. Just please, please come see me.”

His own words from only a couple months ago suddenly flash through his head, and he remembers pleading the other man to come meet him in the middle of the night on a lonely beach in Los Angeles.

He bites his lip. He can’t just leave Minka by herself. But he wants to see Sebastian. He really, really wants to see him. To fix things and make sure the other man doesn’t hate him even though he knows he deserves it ten times over.

“Where are you?”

“I’m at the Best Western, near the airport.” There’s slight relief in his voice. “Room 36. You’ll come tonight?”

Chris nods and then realizes Sebastian can’t see him. “Y—yeah. I told Minka we’d watch a movie together. I’ll try to come after.”

“Okay,” Sebastian says softly. “I’ll see you soon, Chris… Bye.”

“Bye.”

Chris takes a deep breath. His heart is still beating faster than it should given that he’s sitting down in the cool June air. How can this man have this effect on him?

He slowly goes back inside. He smiles at Minka like he’s not thinking about sneaking away from her to see a guy who he may or may not be in love with.

She’s sitting on his bed, smiling and looking so beautiful. “So… what do you want to do?”

“Let’s watch a movie.” He says. “I kind of just wanna lay in bed with you. I’m still digesting.” It’s an excuse if there ever was one, but he’s still got Sebastian on his mind, and he’s not being fair to anyone in this situation.

So they lay in bed, watching some indie film that she finds on Netflix after some unhelpful suggestions from him. Chris isn’t really paying attention, but she’s lying in his arms and she feels nice and warm. Slowly, he gets more confortable, and buries his face in her hair. Her shampoo smells nice, not apple like Sebastian’s, but it smells nice either way. He’s not even paying attention to the screen at this point.

Then the movie’s over, and she’s turning over to him. She kisses him, soft, pliant, and presses her leg between his own.

He knows what she wants. He can hear her breaths getting more heated and heavy as she kisses him. His hands hover above her hips, and finally they settle on her waist. She’s thin and beautiful. Long legs that go on for miles. Everything he’s ever wanted in a woman. But suddenly in his mind, as his tongue is softly pressing into her mouth he wishes it were Sebastian under his hands. Hard lines of muscles, broad and solid, instead of thin and feminine.

Her shirt comes off and she feels so soft and smooth underneath his hands. She grinds herself on him, moaning softly into his mouth. He moans because it feels good. He keeps kissing her, tasting her tongue in his mouth. More clothes are removed. He lifts his hips as she slides his pants off of him. Her fingers run through his short hair. His eyes are closed so he can almost imagine it’s Sebastian’s hands touching him.

Her fingers wrap around his cock, stroking him in a way that makes him moan into her mouth. She slowly lowers herself onto him, and his eyes fly open because god it feels so good. She’s warm and wet and smooth.

His hands grip her ass, pulling her closer, pulling himself deeper inside her. His hands slowly move up to her waist. God she’s so thin, almost feels like he could break her.

She’s moaning, gasping in pleasure as she thrusts herself up and down on his cock.

He groans as he thrusts his hips up and presses his tongue between her lips. He sucks on her lower lip and thrives on the sound she makes.

Vaguely, he hears his phone buzz on his nightstand. The sound nearly throws him off of his rhythm.

He blinks and tries to focus again. He grabs her hips and flips them over so he’s on top. She lets out a yelp of delight as she hits the mattress.

The phone is still buzzing on his nightstand. The sound rings out through the pants and moans that fill the room. He grabs it and haphazardly throws it beneath his bed. It hits the soft carpet with a thump. The buzz of the phone is muffled now, and he keeps fucking her. The pleasure drowns out any distracting sounds and thoughts of a different set of lips, a different body underneath him.  

And he continues fucking her, telling himself he’s not thinking of someone else while he’s doing it.    

 

*

 

A few miles away, Sebastian sits on his bed in his motel room staring at his phone.

It’s been hours since he’d talked to Chris. He tried to give the other man time. He tried to be patient. But then he called, and he texted, and now it’s nearly two in the morning and he knows Chris has to be on set early tomorrow.

He’s not coming.

He had managed to hold back his tears earlier, but now he knows that there is no denying that Chris didn’t think what they had was worth fighting for. 

He’s not coming.

Tears slowing spill over his cheeks and he doesn’t bother wiping them away. There’s no one here to see them. He hates himself for falling so hard for someone who will never love him back the way he deserves. Again.

He’s clenching his phone so hard he’s afraid he’s going to break it. He fights the desire to throw it against the wall and watch it shatter into pieces. Phones are a bitch to replace.

He inhales and lets out a shaky breath. He feels wrecked. He really hoped that Chris wouldn’t let him down. He rubs at his face, vision clearing as he wipes away the tears.

His phone buzzes, signaling a text.

It’s not Chris.

_Hey, you still coming back to NY next week? Let me know when you’re in town. I’ve really missed you, Seb._

 

***

 

Chris walks Minka to the cab parked in their driveway. He’s carrying her bag for her. She’s heading back to LA.

“I had a really great time with you this weekend,” she says sincerely. “Your friends are really nice. Well, most of them. I don’t think Scarlett likes me very much.”

“Oh, she was just… in a bad mood." He says lightly. "It’s not you, I promise.”

She laughs, “Okay. Give me a call when you’re back in LA.”

He nods and watches as she gets in the cab. She waves at him as the driver takes off.

As soon as the cab has turned the corner and is out of sight, Chris sprints back into the house. He runs past Anthony into his room, skinning his knees and nearly bumping his head as he dives under his bed looking for his long abandoned phone.

_1 missed call. 3 unread messages._

12:28 AM: _You’re not coming, are you?_

1:12 AM: _You could at least have the decency to answer me._

1:56 AM: _Fuck you, Chris._

Shit shit shit. He feels like an asshole. He is an asshole. Absolutely without question, he is an asshole.

He sighs. Wait. Sebastian’s door was closed when he ran past it. Maybe he’s back!

He climbs to his feet and heads to Sebastian’s room. It’s only right next door. The door is nearly closed but not shut all the way. Chris knocks and the door swings open with the force of his knuckles.

The room is empty. Not just empty of Sebastian, but empty of his suitcase, his clothes that were on the floor, the random assortment of souvenirs he had gathered over the past month and a half that were on the top of his dresser. Even the dirty pile of laundry Chris always complained about. It’s all gone.

He stumbles back in shock and finds Anthony in the kitchen, eating directly from a large tub of greek yogurt.

“Where is he?” his shaky voice betrays all of the panic he’s feeling.

“He left this morning, or—last night, maybe.” Anthony says. “I don’t know. It was like four in the morning. I only caught him ‘cause I was taking a piss.”

“He—he said he was going to stay the week.” Chris says, blinking rapidly, still trying to process the fact that Sebastian is just gone.

Anthony raises his eyebrows. “Uh… can you blame him? He said he was going to sleep at the airport until they let him on a plane home. Poor guy can’t even stand being under the same roof as you.”

Chris’s heart clenches at the guilt that surges through him. It's suddenly hard to breath when he imagines how Sebastian must have felt last night when he never showed up. This is becoming a common occurrence. Sebastian’s gone.

“I—I have to call him.” Chris mumbles, pulling his phone out of his pocket.

He scrolls down to Sebastian’s number, feeling something pull at his heart again when he sees the icon next to Sebastian’s name. His ridiculously goofy yet handsome face is smiling back at him.

“Man, leave him alone.”

He ignores Anthony and presses the call button, pressing his phone to his ear. Without even ringing, it goes immediately to voicemail. The automated voice tells him this number is not available to take his call.

He slowly drops his phone from his ear. “It went to voicemail,” he says softly.

“He’s probably already on the plane. Looks like he got a flight.”

It feels like the air’s gone missing in his lungs. Sebastian’s already on his way back to New York. He’s gone.

“Man, how could you not see this coming?” Anthony asks, gesturing a spoon in his face. “You act like an ass, and treat him like shit, and still expect him to hang around for you? What the hell were you thinking?” And the sad thing is he knows Anthony is right.

“I thought I’d get to say goodbye, at least.”

“I’ll be surprised if he ever wants to see your sorry ass again,” Anthony says before walking back to his room to get ready to go back to set for another day of filming.

“Leave him alone!” He shouts back one last time.

Chris swallows hard and drops into one of the chairs next to him. He thought he’d have more time. He thought he’d have another opportunity to make things right.

But Sebastian’s gone. He’s really gone.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**New York City, June 2013**

 

Sebastian’s unreceptive to dinner. He does not want to see that new Superman movie. And no, he doesn’t feel like ‘hanging out and catching up’.

Chace sighs over the phone, “Well, a few of the guys and I are planning on going out tomorrow night, a club or something, probably. You down?”

Sebastian wearily glances out the window of his New York City apartment. It’s been a few days since he’d gotten back to the city and he hasn’t yet stepped foot outside. He’s ordered take out delivery for every single meal and spent the majority of his time lying on his couch in front of the television. Some human interaction would probably do him some good, and with a group of people the focus might be taken off of him and his ‘big blockbuster movie’. And it’s not that he doesn’t want to see Chace. He’s just afraid of old feelings resurfacing. In fact, he’s pretty tired of feelings at the moment.

“Yeah, sure,” he says, giving in. “Why not?”

“Great!” Chace sounds ecstatic over the phone. “I’ll let you know the details when I get them. I can’t wait to see you, Seb!”

He lets his phone drop out of his hand and hit the carpet with a soft thump. He rubs his eyes tiredly before staring blankly up at the ceiling from where he’s lying on the couch. He hasn’t seen Chace in almost three years. Not since they ended whatever it was that they had together. As their careers drifted apart, so did they. The last real contact they had was almost exactly one year ago, on the fourth of July last year when Chace called to congratulate him on the Captain America sequel. Sebastian was as surprised by the news as he was to hear from his once close friend.

The other man had expressed interested in getting together and catching up then. But Sebastian was hesitant. And once negotiations and preparation had started for Cap 2, his schedule quickly filled up.

Truthfully he does want to see Chace again, if only to reconnect with someone he was once so close with. Also, anything to get his mind off of Chris would be fantastic right now. The feelings of hurt and abandonment hadn’t really left him since he had come back home. A few drinks or ten certainly couldn’t hurt.

He manages to make himself look semi presentable the next day. He’s thrown on a dark button down shirt with nice looking jeans. It’s casual and doesn’t look like he’s trying too hard.

“Holy crap, your hair got long,” is the first thing out of Chace’s mouth when he sees him.

Sebastian gives him a wry smile. His hair is nearly past his shoulders now. He had considered tying it back, but he figured he’d be less recognizable in public with long hobo hair. At least he had showered before coming out.

“I’m getting it cut soon,” he says pointedly.

He greets Ed and Toby with a hug. It’s been a long while since he had seen his past co-stars turned friends, months definitely if not years. He’s known these guys for damn near a decade.

Chace he turns to with a big smile. The other man pulls him into a hug, and it escapes neither of them that it lasts a bit longer than it has to.

“How far do I have to catch up?” Sebastian asks as he’s waving over the bartender.

“We just got started.”

“IPA on tap, and four shots of your best tequila,” he says to the bartender with a big smile. She returns it with a flirtatious gaze before preparing his drinks. It gives him a nice little boost of confidence.

“It’s good to see you again, Seb,” Chase says sincerely. He had been trying to see the other man for damn near a year now. Their busy schedules didn’t help one bit.

Sebastian gives him a smile before turning to their bartender. He hands her his card. “Keep my tab open.”

He grabs the beer and one of the shots. The others follow his lead. “Here’s to old friends.” His eyes flicker to Chace right before he downs his shot. Somehow seeing Chace again still manages create a soft flutter in his stomach. But that’s quickly overridden by the burn of the alcohol flowing into him. He takes a big gulp of his beer to soothe the burn.

“You guys want to grab a table?” Toby asks, nodding to an open one not far from the bar.

As they head over Sebastian feels his phone buzz in his pocket. He knows even before he looks at it that it’s Chris calling him for the hundredth time. He hasn’t picked up a single call or answered any text since he had left. Well really, since Chris decided that time spent with Minka is better spent than trying to salvage their relationship. A part of him feels he’s being petty and childish, but he knows that if he answers he’ll just give in to Chris’s apologies and he doesn’t deserve that, not right now.

He promptly sends it to voicemail and joins in the conversation. They’re talking about current projects and the others of course ask about his big movie.

“Congrats man, Marvel movies are always huge. Everyone’s going to know you.”

“What’s it like working with Robert Redford?”

“You lose all your muscle mass already? I thought the Winter Soldier was supposed to be big and intimidating.”

“It was a joy and a privilege to work with Robert Redford. And I have slowly dwindled down to my normal size over the past two weeks” he says with a laugh.

“Scarlett. Tell me about Scarlett,” Ed says, completely straight faced.

“Let’s just say I spent an entire day with her legs wrapped my head,” he says, thinking back to that day. His neck was aching for hours after that shoot and his hair had been yanked and tugged more times than he could count. But still, it made for some pretty good memories. “Be jealous.”

“You lucky bastard.”

“Don’t I know it.”

“That Chris Evans though, what’s he like to work with? Is he really as big as he looks on camera?”

Sebastian smile drops and he tries his best to look nonchalant when he answers because there's a very obvious dick joke in there. “He’s cool, great guy. The camera definitely makes him look bigger. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’ve got the hots for him,” he says with a raised eyebrow.

“Nah, just curious.” 

They start talking about Ed’s newest project and Sebastian manages to excuse himself to the bar. He orders himself a scotch on the rocks and another shot of tequila.

He feels yet another buzz in his pocket and takes out his phone.

_Can you please talk to me? I can’t stand you ignoring me like this._

He ignores the text like he’s ignored all the other ones. If he accepts Chris’s apology he looks weak, and if he doesn’t it’ll just cause trouble for the next movie they’ll be doing together. So he ignores it for the time being because it’s the easiest thing to do.

He looks up when he sees Chace next to him. He orders his own drink at the bar before turning to him.

“How have you been? Really?”

Sebastian pauses just a little too long in his answer.

“I can tell when you’re not yourself.”

“I’m fine, Chace,” he says, because Chace Crawford is the last person he should be talking about boy relationship problems with. His hair has fallen into his face and he pushes it back before taking the shot of tequila laid in front of him. He takes the scotch back to the table with him without giving Chace another look.

The next hour or two goes by stressfully, quicker with alcohol. He’s spent most of it nodding along to conversations, adding short comments when he feels it appropriate, and making eye contact with attractive people across the lounge, before realizing he has no desire to take things any further than that.

He’s ordered another round for everyone and takes his fourth shot of the night. He’s just getting to the point of a little past buzzed and the alcohol is sitting nicely in his brain, taking away all his bad thoughts of Chris and the past few weeks. This is what he wanted tonight.

His lungs ache at him and he mentions a smoke at the others. They all follow enthusiastically to the rooftop lounge. He grabs another beer at the outdoor bar because there’s no line before joining the others in their own little dark corner.

Fuck, the smoke feels so damn good. He had been cutting back, thinking about quitting even. But it’s moments like these that make him take comfort in the feel of the pack sitting in his front pocket. He swears to himself he won’t chain smoke tonight. 

Another buzz in his pocket and he lazily looks at his phone.

_I’m sorry, Seb. Please call me._

He blows another breath of smoke out of his lungs and ignores the text like all the others.

“Anyone want another drink?” Toby asks, pointing towards the bar.

“Yeah, can you get me another scotch on the rocks?” Sebastian asks.

“Hey, take it easy,” Chace says to him. “The night’s still young.”

“What can I say, it’s my first night out in a while.”

“Let him enjoy himself,” Ed chimes in. “I haven’t seen this guy in years! The next round’s on me.”

Well that sounds quite reasonable to him. And his next few drinks fly by without a second glance. Very quickly he’s able to forget the pain of heartbreak, and he actually starts having a good time. The alcohol makes his head feel good and the nicotine in his lungs makes him feel giddy and lightheaded.

Chris’s next text says _I miss you so much._ And what would have earlier made his heart clutch in his chest barely fazes him.

“Who is he?” Chace suddenly asks.

Sebastian glances up at him. “Who is who?”

“The guy blowing up your phone.”

Sebastian is caught off guard for a moment. He shakes his head, “it’s nobody.”

Chace stares at him for a while. “You want to grab another smoke?”

A few of their other friends have joined them at the table, so no one says anything when the two of them leave the table together. They grab their drinks that the waitress just set down and head outside. Sebastian’s head is spinning more now that he’s on his feet and he forces himself to keep focused on Chace’s back.

“So… have you thought at all about what I’ve said?” Chace says after they’ve both lit their cigarettes.

Sebastian blinks to clear his head and exhales smoke out of his lungs. And then he remembers that Chace had been asking him to meet up for the past month, continuously hinting at rekindling their previous relationship, which honestly, mostly consisted of six years of secretly fucking behind their respective girlfriend’s backs.

“Chace, I don’t… think it’s a good idea,” Sebastian mumbles, hiding his face by taking a big gulp of his beer.

“I know it’s… been a long time.” Chace bites his lip and steps closer. Sebastian knows he should feel uncomfortable given the lack of space between them, but he doesn’t feel as uncomfortable as he should. Chace is old and familiar and good.

“I miss you, Seb… I want to get back together. Just you and me this time.”

Sebastian takes another delicious drag of his cigarette and slowly blinks, trying to comprehend the words through the fuzz in his head. He’s having a little trouble focusing and forming words.

“I miss you too, Chace…” he slurs. The alcohol seems to be hitting him all at once, as it always does. He feels like he’s swaying and the tobacco hitting his lungs is making his head spin even more on top of the alcohol.

Chace sighs. “I wish you weren’t drunk.”

“I’m not drunk,” his voice isn’t convincing either of them and Chace gives him a small smile.

Sebastian starts reminiscing about the good times they had together.

“Remember that time we stayed up all night getting stoned and ended up watching the sunrise together? We were so tired we slept the entire day after that.”

Chace smiles because of course he remembers. It was one of his best memories with Sebastian, when they were both young and still relatively unknown.

Sebastian stubs out his cigarette and abandons his half finished beer on the ledge of the roof. Chace blinks and the other man’s heading inside. That’s a bad sign.

“Hey!” Ed greets them, and there’s a whole crowd of people around their table now. “Mr. Big Super Star’s back!” There’s a fresh round of shots set down and Sebastian grabs one, doesn’t even ask what it is and downs it. It’s fruity and sour. Whisky maybe?

“Hey,” Chace pulls on his sleeve. “You should take it easy. You’ve had a lot tonight.

Sebastian gives him a wide dopey smile before they both drop into their seats. “Don’t be ridiculous.” He’s slurring and leaning onto his friend. “I’m fine,” he says with a giggle.

But his head’s spinning and he’s having trouble focusing on Chace’s face. Oh, and here comes the part of the night where he becomes loud, overly friendly, and sociable.

It’s all hazy in his head, but at some point between drunkenly shouting at Toby and obviously flirting with Chace, he’s taken his phone out of his pocket. Somehow he has enough sense to know that drunk texting/calling Chris is a very bad idea and he doesn't want to do it. It would be so teenage of him.

Instead he decides to text Anthony, who should have just gotten back to NY.

_Did chris say anythinng abut me_

A few minutes later: _He sounded real sorry for the way he treated you._

_Fuckin asshol_

Anthony’s reply: _Lol. You out tonight? My first night back, I’m hitting the bars with a few friends. Would be great to see you if you’re out._

_Im at the rooftyop lounge 16 th st w friebds_

And then: _You sound drunk. I’ll be there in 30 min._

He’s not sure how but at some point he’s put his phone away and has managed to get his hands on another shot of whiskey.

It gets a lot more fuzzy after that.

He gets more handsy with Chace. He’s practically falling into the other man’s lap, laughing at god knows what.

Thankfully, Chace pulls him up straight before he can embarrass himself more. “Okay, I think maybe I should get you home.”

Sebastian raises an eyebrow at that. "What are you planning on doing to me?" He asks, a mixture of flirtatious and suspicious. Chace just shakes his head. 

The others are giving him a bemused expression that Sebastian completely misses because he’s wasted out of his mind. And this becomes a lot more apparent when Chace tries to stand him up to leave. There’s a lot of stumbling towards the door involved.

“Hey Anthony!”

Chace looks up at the newcomer from where he’s trying to keep the heavier man upright.

“Sebastian! I was just about to call you.”

Sebastian pulls away from him to embrace his friend and practically falls into his arms.

“Whoa, what happened to you, man?”

“Falcon big butt!” Sebastian shouts in his ear, and he turns to Chace, pulling on his shirt as if he needs to get his attention. “Falcon big butt is what we called him! Cause he has a big butt!”

Anthony laughs and uses both arms to steady the obviously very drunk man.

“Don’t worry, I’m taking him home. He’s had a little too much.”

Anthony nods. “Yeah, you better.”

“I’m Chace, by the way. You’re Anthony, I gather?”

Sebastian falls back into his arms and buries his face in his neck, wrapping his arms around his torso. Chace tries to keep his composure and reaches his hand out to shake Anthony’s as if there’s not a headful of dark hair tickling his neck.

“Nice to meet you, Chace.” Anthony slaps Sebastian on the back. “Get some sleep, man. It was good seeing you for all of thirty seconds.”

They manage to stumble outside and with a little difficulty Chace hails down a cab.

“Wherr arrr we goin?” Sebastian mumbles when he’s pushed inside.

“We are going back to your apartment, because you are drunk out of your mind. Now please, it’s a twelve minute car ride, don’t puke in the nice cab.”

Sebastian laughs and just lays his head on Chace’s shoulder.

Their cab ride mostly consists of Sebastian moaning barely intelligible nonsense. For the most part, he’s talking shit on someone named Chris. Chace can only assume it’s Chris Evans, his co-star from his film. From what he’s hearing this guy sounds like an asshole. He can barely make out what Sebastian’s saying but the word ‘love’ comes up once or twice. He can’t help the jealousy stabbing in his gut when he hears it.

He pays the cab driver when they’ve reached Sebastian’s apartment. He gets the other man on his feet and they stumble towards the door. He’s practically carrying his entire weight and it’s a miracle he doesn’t drop him.

He has to dig Sebastian’s keys out of his pocket because the other man is completely incomprehensible. His face is still buried in his neck and he can feel the other man’s lips brushing against his skin. He swears he only blushes because this is the closest they’ve been in years and not because he's thinking about what Sebastian's skin would feel like under his hands. It would be very, very wrong of him to take advantage of him in his drunken state.

Once they’re inside, Chace drops him onto the couch and heads towards the kitchen to get a glass of water. He shoves the water in his face. “Drink. Now.”

“Thank you,” he mumbles, and takes a big drink of water. He seems to have calmed down once inside his home. Maybe he’s getting to the part of the night where he just needs to pass out.

“I did love you, you know,” he says after a moment, sounding very sad and quiet. “I loved you so much.”

Chace doesn’t miss the obvious past tense of his words.

“What about now?” He asks softly.

“Well, after Carrie and Tess and Lizzy… and Amanda and Erin… oh and Rachelle!” He slurs, counting off all of Chace’s flings on his fingers. “Those are just the ones I know about.”

“Seb…”

“I gotta stop falling for straight guys,” he mumbles.

Chace drops onto the couch next to him.

“Seb, I wish we could just—”

Sebastian’s hand comes up to silence him, simultaneously knocking over the half full glass of water onto the carpet. He looks positively green.

Chace silently cringes.

Sebastian suddenly makes a dash for the bathroom. Surprisingly he’s able to move in a relatively straight line.

The sound of retching filters out from the bathroom and Chace waits a few seconds before making his way there to check on him. He watches him sympathetically as Sebastian empties his stomach of all the liquid he had consumed. He’s moaning miserably with his head bowed into the toilet.

“Awww, don’t puke in your hair,” Chace murmurs as he reaches out to pull Sebastian’s long hair back from where it’s fallen in his face. He looks around for something to tie it back with and finds nothing.

Sebastian doesn’t answer and just heaves again into the toilet. When he’s done he groans and drops his head to rest on his arm.

“Are you done?” Chace asks. He’s still holding the other man’s hair back.

After a moment, Sebastian lifts his head and slowly nods. He spits the last bit of bile in his mouth into the toilet before flushing.

“You are so attractive right now.”

“Fuck you.” He says miserably. He pushes himself off the ground and leans over the sink, rinsing his mouth out with water. He gurgles obnoxiously and spits into the sink. From the look on his face the taste still isn’t out of his mouth. He reaches for the bottle of mouthwash on the counter and takes a large gulp.

“No, don’t swallow that!” Chace cries having a momentary panic attack.

He sighs in relief when Sebastian drops his head and spits out a mouthful of blue mouthwash.

His head has cleared a little given all the alcohol he’s just regurgitated. He feels so fucking tired.

“Bed. Now.” He stumbles towards his bedroom, and Chace has to grasp his arm so he doesn’t fall flat on his face.

“Come on,” Chace grabs his arm and drags him towards the bed. “I’m getting a glass of water for you, and you’re going to drink all of it.”

“You’rr awesumm. You take such good careuvv me.”

Chace puts another glass of water in his hands and makes sure the other man drinks as much of it as he can.

“Goodnight,” Sebastian slurs as he lies down on his rumpled sheets and rolls over, burying his face in his pillow.

“Goodnight Sebastian,” Chace says softly. He refills the glass and sets it on the nightstand in case the other man wakes up in the middle of the night dehydrated. He unties the laces on Sebastian’s shoes and pulls them off, trying to make him more comfortable. With a little bit of effort he’s able to get the covers on top of the man as opposed to beneath him.

Chace watches him silently. He looks so different with the long hair. Still gorgeous of course. It’s crazy to think about the amount of time that’s passed since they were last friendly with each other. He’s really missed him.

He’s about to turn to leave when Sebastian’s phone buzzes from atop his dresser. Curiosity gets the better of him and he opens the text message to read it.

_I was such a fucking idiot. I love you, Seb. Please will you call me?_

Chace stares at the message for a moment, trying to push down the jealousy aching in his chest. He glances at the man passed out in the bed, and slowly, hesitantly, he presses the delete button and erases the message from Sebastian’s phone.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Los Angeles, July 2013**

 

“Yo Captain.”

Chris doesn’t even bother with a greeting before he blurts out, “what’s his address?”

“Well, hello to you too, Chris.”

Chris switches his phone to his other ear, while simultaneously struggling not to drop his phone, boarding pass, passport, and bag. “Sebastian! What’s his address?”

“Chris, I’m not telling you. I already told you before, your boy needs some time and space. You’ve got to just leave him alone for a while.”

“Look Anthony, I’m going to find out one way or another. It’ll just be a lot easier if it comes from you.”

The other man sighs over the line. “I’m not telling you, just let it go.”

“I am boarding a plane right now. I am on my way to New York.”

“You’re what?!”

Chris winces as the other man’s voice shouts in his ear. “I am boarding a plane to New York as we speak. So you’re either going to give me his address, or I’ll just call his agent and get it from him. And if for some reason Marcus won’t tell me, then I swear to god, I will scour the streets of New York shouting his name until I find him.” He’s not taking no for an answer. One way or another, Sebastian will speak to him.

Anthony sighs again. When he speaks his voice is softer now. “Look Chris, you can’t do this. You’ve got to give him some time, give him some space. He needs it right now.”

The thing is, he knows Anthony is right. But it doesn’t help him sleep at night when Sebastian refuses to answer any attempt at contact. It doesn’t help that the other man is on the other side of the damn country when he just wants to speak to him. He just wants to see him.

“It’s been two weeks,” he says softly. His emotional roller coaster has gone from sad to lonely to desperate to angry and then finally to just plain scared. “Two weeks of him ignoring every call, every text, and me going out of my head. So please… Anthony, I have to see him. Just give me his address.”

He can almost hear the other man’s resolve breaking over the phone.

“Fine.”

Chris lets out a mental sigh of relief and quickly copies down the address given on the back of his boarding pass.

“Thank you, thank you so much. I really appreciate this.” It finally seems real to him. He’ll be in New York in six hours. Six long hours standing between him and Sebastian.

“Look, I’ve got to tell ya…” Anthony sounds hesitant over the phone. “Things might not go the way you want them to. He might not want to see you. And if he is willing to listen… I don’t know if things can go back to the way they were.”

“I know,” Chris says. Honestly he’s terrified that he’s ruined things beyond repair. “But I’ve got to try. I hurt him. I’ve got to make things right.”

“You really hurt him.”

“I know... I know.”

They say their goodbyes and Chris goes through the process of baggage check. He barely brought anything with him. Just the bare essentials that he could think of when he was throwing items in a small backpack. This is really happening. He’s only got a half-assed plan of what he’s going to say when he sees him.

_I’m so sorry, Sebastian._

_I was a complete fucking idiot._

_I love you. I can’t imagine my life without you._

_Be with me. Just be with me please._

What if he doesn’t want to see him? What if he slams the door in his face and tells him to fuck off? These last two weeks have been torture. Never, in all his thirty-two years has he wanted to kick himself in the pants more than now, for what he did. For his stupid mistake of letting Sebastian go. He thought he wanted normal. He thought he wanted a certain image for the tabloids and the press and the gossip sites. He thought he had a certain standard to uphold for himself. And he was scared. Scared of letting everyone down, scared of letting himself down. But after Sebastian left, and after he got home to LA, after a couple of downright horrendous lunch dates with Minka, he finally realized that he was happiest when he was with Sebastian. And he feels sick to his stomach knowing how much he hurt the one person he loves so much.

_Please take me back. I don’t care about anyone but you. Please please please take me back._

He’s ready to beg on his knees.

He’s feeling anxious and panicky and after the six hour flight just a little bit nauseated. He takes a taxi to Sebastian’s address and tries to calm himself as he watches the streets of New York fly by through the window. There’s something comforting about the streets of New York City. A sense that you’re just one of 8.5 million people. And everyone in the city is so busy running about, worrying about their own lives, no one will spare a second glance at you. He understands why Sebastian loves this city so much.

Finally he’s there, standing in front of Sebastian’s door. He raises his hand and knocks, three times. The sound resonates throughout the hallway. A moment goes by without an answer. His heart’s thumping loudly in his chest. Fuck, what if he’s not even home? What if Anthony called and warned him that he was coming? What if—

The door opens.

And it’s quite clear that Sebastian was not expecting to see him. His expression goes from light and calm to… just blank.

“Hi,” his voice is barely a whisper. Where did his voice go? What happened to all those things he wanted to say? Because all he can do is look at Sebastian and drink in the sight of him and he suddenly feels like someone is squeezing his heart in his chest.

Sebastian just stares at him. He blinks slowly like he’s not sure if he’s really there. And then finally, he gives in, accepting it for what it is. His eyes are sad as they watch him. “What are you doing here?” He finally asks.

“Seb…” His voice cracks as he tries to find the words. There are so many things he wants to say right now. “I had to see you. You wouldn’t answer me—I… I had to see you.”

“I didn’t answer you because I have no desire to see you, Chris.” Sebastian says softly. He should have known this would happen. That Chris, with his insistent, stubborn ways would find some way to speak to him. He just wasn’t expecting a trip in person. It’s always so much harder in person, because the feelings that can be pushed down and shoved away over time resurface so much quicker than they have any right to.

Chris steps closer. “Look, I… I made a mistake. I know that. I’m trying to fix it. Can I… can I come in?”

Sebastian glares at him stubbornly. He wants to say no. He wants to slam the door in his face. But some irrational side of him steps aside to let Chris in.

“Thank you! Thank you, I…” He trails off and just follows Sebastian to his living room. Sebastian drops into an armchair, leaving the couch open for him. It doesn’t escape him that he did this probably to keep a decent amount of space between them.

“I have someone coming over in a little bit so…” Sebastian waves an arm at him.

Chris nods and takes a deep breath. “Look Seb, there are no words to make up for how much I hurt you. I can’t take back what I did… and I know that. But I just want you to know that… these past two weeks have been the most miserable weeks of my life. I... I realized how fucking happy you make me... and... how much I regret what I did. I love you, Seb. I love you so much.”

Sebastian stays silent, and just watches him, an unreadable expression on his face.

“You were right. You were right about everything,” he continues. “I was such an idiot. I thought… I thought I could be happy with the world thinking of me as some ideal that I had in my head… but, in reality… I realized… I just want you. I just want to be with you. And I don’t care what the world thinks.”

Sebastian doesn’t answer him. Instead he looks away, closes his eyes because he can feel the tears starting to form and he refuses to let the other man see them. These were all the words he wanted to hear two weeks ago. Where were they then?

Chris watches him desperately, wishing the other man would say something, or at least look at him. “I don’t care anymore, Seb. I swear… I swear I’ll tell the whole world that we’re together… if you’ll just be mine again.”

“I was never yours,” Sebastian mutters, anger just barely audible in his voice.

Chris blinks. “Yeah, I know,” he says softly. “Because I was too dumb to know what I had when it was right in front of me. I love you. Please Seb… forgive me… be with me again?” He pleads. And he pleads with his whole heart because there’s nothing that he wants more than this man in front of him.

He waits. The silence between them is deafening.

Then slowly, slowly Sebastian looks at him, and he shakes his head. “I can’t,” he says quietly.

Just like that, it feels like his heart dropped into his stomach. “What?” Chris asks softly. “Why… why not?”

“I can’t,” Sebastian repeats, looking away again.

“I know I made mistakes… I’m—I’m trying to fix them! Why can’t we be together? I love you _so much_ , Seb. I’ll love you forever.” And he’s rambling but it’s only because he has so many thoughts frantically trying to form themselves into proper words. “I’ll—I’ll never so much as _look_ at another person again. I swear—”

“I’m seeing someone.”

That shuts him up. He thought he had imagined all the possibilities, all the ways that this meeting could have gone. But he never imagined this. He assumed—and it was probably a bit narcissistic of him—that Sebastian was in New York, hiding from him and mending his broken heart. He never imagined that he would have moved on so soon. How foolish of him.

“Oh.”

“I guess I took a page out of your book. Got back together with an old flame.”

Chris stares down at his hands. He came all this way… he never really wanted to believe that it wouldn’t go his way. That Sebastian might not take him back. Not only that, but now he’s with someone else. He takes a shaky breath. This must be how Sebastian felt when he paraded Minka in front of him. Oh, how he wants to kick himself.

“I uh… I wasn’t expecting that. Who is it? Who’s the lucky girl?” He stutters, trying to remember all of Sebastian’s ex-girlfriends. “I know Leighton’s engaged, right? Is it Jennifer, because she’s really hot. I totally had a crush on her on House,” he babbles, trying to sound like he’s even a little bit okay with it. Probably failing miserably.

Sebastian just forces a smile and looks away. “It’s Chace,” he says quietly.

Chris blinks and does a double take.

“Chace?” The name is too familiar. “Chace—your guy friend Chace? What…?”

“We have history.”

Chris feels the blood leave his face. And suddenly it’s not okay. It hurts ten times worse because he’s bombarded with images of Sebastian with another man. Another man’s arms around him, another man kissing him, another man touching him.

“What kind of history?”

“A long history.”

Chris is silent and Sebastian bites his lip as he thinks of how to continue.

“It was years ago, Chace and I were together for a long time. We both had girlfriends the whole time. But… I was in love him. I was in love with him for six years. Eventually, I wanted more. I broke up with Leighton, said I didn’t want to live a lie anymore. I wanted something real. I wanted to be with just him... And he couldn’t do it. So we lost contact for three years.” He takes a shaky breath as he watches Chris, because the same feelings he had for Chace are now reserved for a different man. “I loved him so much. He was the one, you know? And some of those feelings… they never went away.”

“I am so sorry,” Chris whispers. Because now he knows that he did the same thing to Sebastian that Chace did so many years ago. Sebastian is beautiful and perfect and he deserves so much more than he gets.

“You never told me.”

Sebastian shrugs, a sad, wry smile on his face. “Not something I like to talk about.”

“So, when he called you… in Cleveland…”

“He mentioned that he wanted to see me. To talk about maybe getting back together.”

“Why didn’t you say something?”

“Because I never planned on seeing him!" He says, and the first traces of anger make themselves known. "Because… because I was in love with you. And you were unsure and hesitant and I didn’t want to scare you off.”

Chris rubs his eyes, wiping away tears that he hadn’t noticed had formed. If only he realized sooner how much Sebastian means to him. Things would be so different now.

“Do you still love me?” He asks, afraid of the answer.

Sebastian watches him silently for a long moment. “I fell pretty hard for you, Chris.” It’s his roundabout way to not admitting to any more feelings. Maybe this way he won’t get hurt again.

“Do you love him?”

“He’s good to me,” he says softly. “And he wants me the way I wanted him to so many years ago. I need to give this a chance.”

Chris lets out a breath. “I love you so much,” he whispers.

Sebastian watches him sadly. “I’m not going to see you for a while, Chris. Maybe by the time promotions come around for the movie, you’ll feel less… of this.”

Chris just shakes his head. He wonders where they would be right now, if that night in Cleveland when Sebastian asked him where he saw this relationship going—if they had something real—if he only said what he felt now, that he wants to commit to him, one man for the rest of his life, making sure to never hurt him again. They could be so happy.

“I was such an idiot,” he murmurs.

“I think maybe you should go.”

Chris just watches him sadly. This is what he lost. “I should have appreciated you.”

Sebastian looks at him sadly, biting his lip in that way that makes Chris want to wrap his arms around him. He looks like he wants to say something, but he doesn’t.

The sound of Sebastian’s front door opening shakes them both out of their reverie. They both look up quickly, blinking away tears and masking their feelings.

“Hey!” Comes a new voice, which quickly stops once the newcomer realizes Sebastian’s not alone.

“Hey, Chace,” Sebastian says with a forced smile. Not because he’s not happy to see him, but because having these two men in the same room might possibly be the most painful thing for him right now.

“This is Chris Evans.”

Chace briefly looks between them, no doubt suspicious of what had been happening before he arrived.  

“Chace Crawford, nice to meet you.” He holds out his hand, which Chris grabs in a handshake. Chris kind of feels like he might be physically ill.

“You going to be in New York long, Chris?”

Chris shakes his head. “No, no it’s… just a short trip, heading back real soon.” He glances at Sebastian again. “I was actually just leaving.”

They both stand, and it’s achingly awkward for a few moments before Sebastian finally moves closer and pulls him in for a hug.

It doesn’t last long and afterwards the scent of the other man lingers in his nostrils briefly.

“Have a safe trip, Chris. It was good seeing you again.”

Chris forces a smile. “Yeah, same here.” He grabs his bag and awkwardly waves goodbye to Chace before heading towards the door. His stomach is in knots. And it’s made worse when he spares one last look behind him—and sees the other two men lip-locked in a kiss—he quickly spins around and leaves the apartment, hoping he didn’t slam the door too loudly during his exit.

He lets out a haggard breath and tries to compose himself. It’s over. The tears that he managed to hold back finally spill over, and he doesn’t bother wiping them away, because he deserves every bit of this pain.

“What was that about?” Chace asks once the other man has left.

Sebastian shakes his head and gives him a small smile. “Nothing, just tying up loose ends.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are lovely as always <3


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